What happened to evolution? If humans have actually evolved all the way from fungi and single-cell amoebae, then shouldn't we still be seeing changes? Sure, we're a little taller than our ancestors, but judging from who we just elected president, we certainly haven't gotten any smarter. And what about major advances, like skin with a Sun Protection Factor of 15 or the ability to sense when a telemarketer is calling and not answer the phone? Maybe evolution is a hoax.
Darwinism is based on the belief that humans slowly developed from bacte-ria-like microorganisms. But what if Darwin got the whole thing backwards? What if every organism on the planet has devolved from us?
We think we're at the top of the food chain, yet diseases and cancer are eating away at us. That should alert scientists that their theories are retarded. If only the strongest survive, and cockroaches are the only creatures rumored to be able to survive a nuclear attack, then maybe we . re all devolving into roaches. (Lawyers already have a head start.)
Think about how much easier animals have it. They don't have bills to pay, they aren't trapped in miserable jobs, and they don't have to worry about saving for college before having offspring. And we think we're more advanced?
Sure, animals spend most of the day wandering around, looking for food, but that isn't much different from most teenage boys. We have to go on vacation to get out and enjoy the wilderness, but animals spend everyday outside and don't concern themselves about hotel reservations or waste time setting up campsites.
As animals devolve into bugs, life gets easier. Bugs can leap off a building and walk away unharmed, and all it takes to make their day is a tiny little crumb. Mosquitoes and flies never have to book flights two weeks in advance and rarely ever have their flight canceled. When they crash they fly away injury-free and can slam into the window again and again and again and again and again and again, etc.
Plants have it even better. All they need to survive is sun and water. They never get stuck in traffic or have to wait in line. Best of all, they have absolutely no stress. Have you ever seen a plant have a panic attack?
Germs and bacteria are the easiest to please. They don't need much of any-thing. They thrive sitting on a doorknob, swimming around in the water, or floating through the air. But it's not like they're powerless. One microscopic molecule can multiply and bring an entire elephant crashing to the ground. Late at night, they sit around, bragging about how they spotted medication heading their way and mutated before it could kill them.
New kinds of germs are popping up every day. AIDS, flesh-eating bacteria, and the Backstreet Boys have all appeared in the last twenty years, yet humans remain largely unchanged. This is hardcore, unarguable evidence that humans aren't evolving, but animals, bugs, plants, and bacteria are devolving. Yet, the scientific community doesn't want you to know this. Why? Because they're being controlled by mind-altering bacteria that is planning to take over the world. Don't believe me? How else can you explain Bush getting elected?
About the Author : David Schladweiler would have a Double Ph. D. in Evolutionary Science Fabrication if there were such a degree.
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Melt Magazine 2001
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