Scene: A woman and a man facing off in their living room.


Grace: If you would just let me…
Martin: Uh, uh, uh,…
Grace: You have to…
Martin: Now, honey, I discussed this with you..
Grace: It’s just if you would…
Martin: “I” statements only, Dear.
Grace: But...
Martin: Now, Dear, we don’t want to seem aggressive or accusatory, do we?
Grace: You…
Martin: Dear…
Grace: Fine. I FEEL unable to talk to you.
Martin: Oh, now, I know that isn’t true.
Grace: Hey, you just negated my…
Martin: Honey, “I”.
Grace: But…
Martin: “I”.
Grace: I…
Martin: Good.
Grace: I feel you negated my statement, Martin.
Martin: No “you’s”, Dear. “I”. “I”.
Grace: I feel condescension in this room.
Martin: I do not.
Grace: I feel eminent disaster in this room.
Martin: I do not.

Pause 

Grace: I am taking the dog.
Martin: I am not…wait…
Grace: I am leaving the cat.
Martin: But, wait, I don’t even like the cat.
Grace: I don’t care. I am taking the jeep.
Martin: But, Grace, you said…
Grace: No “you’s”, Martin. I am leaving the crappy sofa.
Martin: Grace, if you…
Grace: I am leaving your precious leaky fridge.
Martin: Grace, lets…
Grace: I am leaving my favorite lawn orni ments. I am taking the neighbor.
Martin: What? The Neighbor? John?
Grace: Yes, John. I feel an obligation since he’s the only one I could talk to in bed for the last year.
Martin: Grace you…
Grace: “I” statements.
Martin: You…
Grace: “I”. “I”. “I”. Let me help you. I will not be back.
Martin: But, but, but,…I don’t like the cat.